How songs can change a life!

On a crispy cold and sunny 1st of February  and first time listening to The one I love by David Gray I realise that I have all the reason in the world to run with my arms raised over my head and feeling pretty damn good. Five years ago it was This years love that gave me the courage to bet everything on love, four years ago it was Fix you by Coldplay that gave me the strenght to go on after loosing my love, three years ago I heard Steve Earle`s Galway Girl that gave me back faith in love and then the last two years a combination of Billy Holiday and the National has tought me to live life and not be so damned afraid of what it brings.

And now listening to The one I love I see that I have changed and grown wiser and stronger from what life has offered me. Four years ago my world fell apart, I was lost, hurt, afraid and tired, but I think I always knew I would get through it. Not everyone thought so and I admit that some days were harder then I showed, but I always knew deep down that I would get through.
Simple things like getting out of bed, pulling the curtains aside, taking a shower, reading the paper and having breakfast was the things that kept me going. Sitting infront of the computer for hours writing or just staring at the screen, trying to put words on my thoughts was therapi.
Quite fast life was back to normal, I went back to work, I saw my friends on the weekends, went on holiday and took part in family parties and the things you do when you live a normal middle class life. Only the rich ones on upper east side has the money and therefor right to be the beautiful mourning widow, like the say in that movie. So I went on living and after a while starting to enjoy life again, even though it was hard to find rest and I was still looking for something that could replace the love I had lost and it made me sad that I couldn't find it.
Until last year in January when I sought professional help and she helped me realise that I wouldn't find it. Because the love we had had was not meant to be replaced. Off course I knew that I guess, but I think I needed someone outside to tell me that. And slowly I learned to let go and say goodbye to the past but also the future I had imagined, and starting to dream new dreams for myself. After almost a year working with this or maybe even four years and still quite confused about my future dreams, I have found a love that gives me hope and I no longer feel restless. I have found the one I love.

one of my favourites!

my new favourite song

Gonna close my eyes
Girl and watch you go
Running through this life darling
Like a field of snow
As the tracer glides
In its graceful arc
Send a little prayer out to ya
'cross the falling dark

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love

Perfect summers night
Not a wind that breathes
Just the bullets whispering gentle
'mongst the new green leaves
There's things I might have said
Only wish I could
Now I'm leaking life faster
Then I'm leaking blood

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love

Don't see Elysium
Don't see no fiery hell
Just the lights up bright baby
In the bay hotel
Next wave coming in
Like an ocean roar
Won't you take my hand darling
On that old dancefloor

We can twist and shout
Do the turtle dove
And you're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love

The One I Love by David Gray

Looking back at the two last posts and so much has happened! My world is still the same, winter is still on its way, I have the same old job and I still live the same place. But at the same time all the rainy clouds and grey autumn days has met a hard opponent. ME!... feeling pretty good!

Looking at it all from a distance

Just because you have decided that it is time for a change, it doesn't necessarily happen just like that. And sometimes when you at least expect it life changes and you don't really know what to think of it, because the life you knew and felt so comfortable with, is no longer the same and at the same time you are too curious to ignore the change and you jump in with both legs and with no other safety net then your courage and faith in yourself.
And how amazing, scary, interesting, beautiful, surprising and fulfilling it can be to let go of control and worries over the future and let life happen and only think about how good life is today.
It is hard work and takes a lot if practice and still I don't succed always. But to ignore the feeling of butterflies, because you are branded by the past and scared of the consequences and the future when you fall in love, is to me almost blasphemy. So now I will try again to let go of complete control and see where it takes me.

Any given sunday!

Minor bumps on the road is what makes life more fun and un-predictable, but big cracks and holes that deprives you any chances to take control over your own life sucks! But then again they might be necessary if you are going in the wrong or totally opposite direction then the one you set out to follow.. The hard part is just to climb back up, look at it all with a rational sense and with humour or irony and try to find the wright way. Some people are so lucky that their brains will (with help from friends) overcome almost all mental obstacles and be stronger and wiser when coming out on the other side. ANY DAY now I'm hopping for that to happen....it could happen this sunday! And when I woke up tomorrow the world would have changed just a little bit in the direction of all good. And I would know that I had tried my best to make a little difference and acted from wise descisions, instead of being manipulated by emotions! Any day now....bring it on!

My summer holiday ´11

Once again I went to Barcelona, this year with very good friends. The near presence of them reminds me what life is all about.

My birthday 2011

My 30th birthday - me in one of my favourite dresses

New Shoes

Nobody put it as well as Paolo Nutini:

Hey, I put some new shoes on,
And suddenly everything is right,
I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling,
It so inviting,
Oh, short on money,
But long on time,
Slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
And I'm running late,
And I dont need an excuse,
'cause I'm wearing my brand new shoes.

my new favourite summer sandal from Irregular Choice!

Reality check!

When rainy summer days puts a stop to playing the worlds playground outside, I play it inside with a Paolo Nutini Marathon on Youtube, stay in bed til noon and dream my self away to warmer countries with pictures from all my travels,I read my new book Winter in Madrid and dream about gentlemen and wartime heroes, and keep myself updated on the world by all my electronic media.
And all of the sudden reality hits me with news about bombs in Oslo in Norway, death and terrorist and bloody pictures. And I think that the world has gone insane. I didn't get angry, I just got sad. For the people who lost someone in the attacks, for the injured and shocked people, the people who has to clean it all up and even for the possible people behind the attack. Why do they feel that they need to do this to get attention; who has hurt them so much that they need to hurt other people? Why haven't we learned anything from history and where is the line between good and bad!

So where to now?

Jumping on and of the rush of life. Some days are just boring as hell, I do the same thing over and over again, because I know how and it is expected and nescesarry. Other days life surprises me in a way that I never thought possible so I guess it is all about taking the good with the bad.
This post goes out to all my beautiful girlfriends who makes me laugh so I get sore cheeks and stomach cramps, who doesn't judge and forgives when I do silly(stupid) things. This is also to all the (afterall) amazing men (especially with brown eyes) who can make us girls talk about you for hours, make us loose absolute control, do silly things and make us feel wonderful!
Coming home from holiday with renewed energy and courage after spending wonderful time with two very very good friends and meeting new interesting people with dreadlocks, brown eyes and dogs is to me the greatest gift. The world is my playground and I still only have tried the swings.

Re-considering my options!

Rough sports, bruised men and celibacy is a difficult cocktail to mix. When and why did I get the (insane) thought that celibacy for six months would be a good idea? Knowing how well it went 6 years ago when I tried it the first time!! Good thing this time it isn't a bet with anyone, but just a selfish challenge! hmmm...or is that worse! Or is it because I believe that it would actually do me some good? Maybe I've seen too much Bones and listened too much to Dr. Sweets! And with that in my thoughts, I remembered what happened between Angela and Wendell!?!

Break's over!

So for a time there I was forgetting who I am and what is really important to me. Too busy feeling sorry for myself, too busy trying to escape what I really stand for and believe in. But a simple tag of a friend in a friend's friend's photos made me think again about things and actually once again starting to accept that I am the only one in charge of my actions and feelings and nobody else. I don't have to care or worry about their opinions about me as long as I follow my own beliefs, my conscience and the law!

Maybe a bit confusing  for the bystander to read and understand where this sudden urge for self-insight comes from so I'll try and explain...to whoever reads it. If nobody does, this is merely a chance for me to try and understand my own thoughts.

I often think about all the opportunities I have in this world today and I would be un-grateful, lazy or stupid not to take advantage of it. I wanna travel the world and see all the people I know everywhere, I wanna be better at my job because I believe it is an important job and 85% of the time I love it, but at the same time I feel inferior because of  people's opinions about and attitude towards my job and just wanna quit because of that, so I wanna study and get more knowledge, so I can fight these opinions and attitudes, and trust and believe that the knowledge I have is sufficient.

But I realised today -because of that tagged photo- that we can never control people's preconception about us, but we can try to be honest and open about who we are and what we stand for, and only hope that people finds mutual values and understanding that will strenghten their bond. We should not focuse on what we wish people to be but instead with our actions and beliefs show them how we ourselves wish to be.

All these thoughts are inspired from a photo-tag that led to a person's beliefs about what is important in a profile's basic information. It was not that he has black hair or that he loves beer and women or his famly. Instead it was something like this

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let us down, probably will. You'll have your heart broken and you'll break others' hearts. You'll fight with your best friend or maybe even fall in love with them, and you'll cry because time is flying by. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, forgive freely, and love like you've never been hurt. Life comes with no guarantees, no time outs, no second chances. You just have to live life to the fullest, tell someone what they mean to you and tell someone off, speak out, dance in the pouring rain, hold someone's hand, comfort a friend, fall asleep watching the sun come up, stay up late, be a flirt, and smile until your face hurts. Don't be afraid to take chances or fall in love and most of all, live in the moment because every second you spend angry or upset is a second of happiness you can never get back." Quote J.C.L

Not really basic information about him but I guess basic information about life...we just seem to forget that it is actually that basic.

utopia

So imagine that all the grazy trigger-happy gun-lovers had one country where they could move to, another country for all the people who wanted to be corrupt, a country for all the men that wanted to suppress women, another country for all the power striving people, a country for the people who believes in survival of the fittest, a country for the people who believes that all people are equal. You could choose which country to live in but you could never bring your beliefs to another country and you could never mix your beliefs to one country. Which country would you choose? Please comment with other ideas and imaginairy countries and explain why you would live there or not!

a little break!

Sometimes you just need a day where you sleep until noon, stay in your pyjamas all afternoon, read your new favourite book and watch bad tv. Not because you're sick, feel physically bad or hungover, but just because you need a break from the world around you and the everyday chaos and demands.

You can't change people around you but you can give yourself space and time to try to understand these people and their actions and by that understand your own feelings and actions.

What a fool indeed!

"I had a long talk with my ex girlfriend and we are trying to work things out. I hope we can still be friends, and maybe have a beer together at the pub. Don't be angry at me."

And then I'm the bad one in this silly game in which I do not know the rules, because I said I wasn't sure I could have that beer with him and maybe I was a little bit angry? What a big joke that is! Just like that I am supposed to not feel anything anymore? I am allowed to feel whatever I want, so don't come hear and tell me differently just to ease your bad conscience.

It is all a game and I have been dealt the wrong cards - only hearts when it should have been clubs and spades!

No regrets!

So I am where I never thought I would be again! Feeling light headed but no cigarettes to blame because I quite those years ago, butterflies in my stomach but not because of weird adrenaline rush from putting my life at risk in a bungy or anything like that and dreaming new hopefull dreams.

I realised that if I wanna live a life with no regrets I need to do things I think I might regret instead of not doing anything at all... because I know I will surely regret that. I am thankful for being a fool and having the courage to once again letting myself feel what I feel.

Looking back at life and where it has taken me the last four years I still have no regrets. I know that life will treat me hard again but hopefully I will still have the strenght to take the beatings from life.

For fools rush in where angels fear to tread

To once have lost and still have the courage to hope again and let yourself feel what you thought was impossible to feel again takes either a fool or great inner strenght. Pretty sure I'm the first but hoping I have a bit of the last too.

Winter

The ground is covered in soft foamy snow and the air is white and cold. From my window I see lights in the other houses and in my mind I imagine them gathering around their tables for breakfast or their kids in pyjamas in front of the tv watching cartoons. The warm and bitter scent of coffee and freshly made bread fills the air in every home. It is quiet outside like a big duvet has been lowered over the world and I feel warm and safe here in the place I call home.

Changes!

Holding on to old tickets and travel schedules, parfume and a green Marvel t-shirt, burned dvd's with rugby games and a death certificate doesn't make any sense any longer.

It did for a long time and it was hard to get rid of it. But now it is time, though still taking small steps. Changing the pictures on the wall, but still saving them in my memorychest, acknowledging that it is part of my life and always will be but it is time to store it under the past.

It no longer defines me and where I am in my life. It is part of me and has shaped me just like all the other stories I've experienced in my life - good and bad. But now it is time to make room for new twists and turns down the road and keep the memory of a man as a beautiful souvenir!

Falling once more!

Oh welcome back sweet tingling feeling. How I missed you! That first kiss that makes all the other future kisses fade by the memory and makes all the butterflies go crazy in your body! How wonderful to be losing sense of time and just getting lost from the world outside. Doesn't matter if you stay awake until four in the morning because tomorrow doesn't exist. And even if it does, you will stay awake on that ecstatic feeling from the endorfines.