dead fish swimming

Bobl bobl bobl....the eternal sound from the fishtank, where the latest victim took its last swim.
The fish tank is to be compaired to humans deathrow or old peoples rest home...it is their last mortal home before the eternal rest. It is the point of no return whether it is fish or man. If listening very carefully to the bobl bobl bobl in the fish tank you could almost hear the other fish humming "dead fish swimming, dead fish swimming" just seconds before the watertank vacumecleaner sucked it up.

Oensketaenkning

Gid jeg havde en pakke (eller flere) Stimorol Fusion Strawberry and Lime.

Hvis bare mobiltelefoner ikke var saa r.. dyre i NZ. 500 dollars for en Nokia 6500 plus forpligtelse til et 24 mdrs abonnement...hvad sker der lige med det.

Hvis bare en person fra New Zealandske husstande valgte at tage cyklen eller bussen frem for bilen hver dag, saa ville der sikkert ikke vaere 6 millioner biler i et land m kun 4 millioner indbyggere og CO2 udslippet ville vaere meget mindre (maaske endda endnu mindre, hvis de valgte at opsamle faarenes gasudslip og omdanne det til en eller anden form for genanvendelig biogas) Derfor er jeg overbevist om at mit bidrag til dette maa vaere at jeg er noedt til at investere i en cykel...med mindre der kommer en dumpende fra himlen (Hey Reubs help me out on this, this is my fight against global warming)

Det kunne ogsaa vaere meget dejligt hvis ikke det tog en uge for mig at bage et rugbroed der kun smager lidt i naerheden af det derhjemme. (Heldigvis har vi fundet et naesten lignende i Pak'n Save, saa nu koster det kun en flad tyver(dkr) for 10 skiver...bedre end at slide i koekkenet, naar det er saa meget federe at laese en bog, shoppe, traene eller tage til stranden)

En dejlig pakke fra Danmark med skolekridt, ti oeres lakridser og vingummier, Kims Dipmix pulver.

Hvis jeg saa bare kunne holde mig til at shoppe en ting den naeste maaned, saa skulle det helt klart vaere den hvide Adidas jakke med guldlogo paa ryggen og saa ville jeg vaere total gangster...hvis jeg kunne smide nogen haandtegn altsaa og havde kufferten fuld af guldkaeder. Men det kunne jo ogsaa vaere rart at faa den dersens Nike sport BH, som Christina anbefaler 100% og maaske et par nye traenningsbukser samt et par traenningssko. Og saa mangler jeg ogsaa lige et par flade hvide sko til den nye groenne kjole, jeg koebte i gaar. Og maaske et smalt soelvbaelte, men da det ikke er trenden hernede med smalle baelter er det jo heldigvis en udgift jeg ikker har.

Men et par lyseroede boksehandsker og saa et pulsur ville jo helt klart ogsaa vaere en tilfoejelse til min ikke-eksisterende garderobe hernede....meget naivt af mig at tro at jeg kan leve uden min sko og alle mine kjoler og outfits.

Og saa et stort julekort fra alle dem derhjemme, som taenker at det jo ogsaa er rart at faa noget i haanden at laese, som har lugten af fars barbersprit, bedstemors smaakager eller mors handcreme, fremfor en elektronisk mail der kun lugter af en overophedet gammel computer.

Does lightning only strike once?

This is where my new story begins. A story that has been told and experienced by so many people before me and still it will never be the same because the people in the stories are always different. The people have lived completely different lives with bigger dreams greater disasters and experienced bigger loses. But like all stories my story has a beginning and there will be and ending.

The ending is still to be experienced and hopefully written by the people who remembers me when I am no longer here after my hair has turned from brown to grey and there is no haircolor product that can cover the grey hairs and my face is filled with wrinkles from smiling and living life. But the beginning has already been and started with an ending. Like all beginnings starts with an end. Giving birth to a human being is the beginning of a new life but at the same time the end of a life were the only person you had to be responsible for was yourself. The beginning of adolescence is the end of childhood, the innocence and the ignorance. The beginning of a new relationship and its story can be the end of a marriage and leave an unfinished story behind.

For me my new beginning started with the end of a fantastic life, the dead of a beautiful man that filled my heart with a love I had not experienced before. So everything that starts ends. But the hard thing is to come to terms with that because what is it we are ending and what will the future give us of challenges, joy and sorrows. The questions that fills my mind is what has life in store for me that I have not already experienced....not saying I have seen it all. But one quote from S&C where a sailor says you're lucky if you meet one great love in your life....well I'm just wondering if luck strikes twice.

If I knew....

	If I knew it would be the last time That I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep. If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more. If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day. If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do. If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, Well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away. For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything just right. There will always be another day to say "I love you," And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?" But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight. So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day, That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish. So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay." And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.

To carry on!

You can shed tears that he has gone
or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and prey that he will come back
or you can open your eyes and see all he has left
Your heart can be empty because you cannot see him
or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he has gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind
be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he would want
- smile, open your eyes,
love and go on

By: unknown

Vi kan lade tårerne flyde, fordi han ikke er her mere.
Eller vi kan smile, fordi han har levet.
Vi kan lukke vores øjne og bede til, at han må komme tilbage.
Eller vi kan åbne vore øjne og se alt det, han efterlod.
Vore hjerter kan føles tomme, fordi vi ikke kan se han.
Eller vi kan være fyldt
med den kærlighed og det fællesskab, vi delte.
Vi kan vende ryggen til i morgen og leve af i går.
Eller vi kan hædre hans minde og lade det leve videre.
Vi kan græde og lukke vores sjæl.
Eller vi kan gøre, hvad han ville ønske:
Smile, åbne øjnene, elske og værdsætte hinanden
og fortsætte rejsen.

Af: ukendt

Dreaming of life!

I find it so hard to get out of bed in the morning. It is as if the last couple of weeks has put me right back where I was almost 8 months ago.... I don't wanna wake up in the morning because when I sleep he is with me and the dreams are so real. It is like when you where a kid and all the dreams you had about getting all the toys or candy that you wanted but when you woke up there was just nothing. That feeling of disappoinment combined with sadness and then anger because allowing myself to have so stupid dreams knowing that my feelings are going to be chaotic the next morning...so ambivalent when I don't miss out on the dreams but I don't wanna feel like shit the next day either. It is all very much real to me but at the same time it feels like my life is the nightmare and my dreams should be my life.

the socalled normal life

Got to thinking today about the so called normal life and what we expect of it. If someone took a look at my life they would say that it looks normal or looks like that it is back to normal. And in someways it is. I have a job, I'm out running every second day, I go out with my friends and I have plans for the weekends. But then again it is far from normal. The job I have now is the third job I have had in 18 months but without I would worry about going crazy and not bankrupt. My running has improved more the last couple of months than it has the last two years because it makes me feel good and gives me a break from all my thoughts. Now I feel that improving my running is something I control whereas before my reason for doing it was to get fit and I hated it. What is back to normal is also my opinion on men. I have not met many men that knew how to treat a girl with respect or just normal decency but with him I forgot it all. Now it is all coming back to me and at the same time winter is getting near, the days are getting shorter and all my thoughts are focused on him, so I sleep the restless sleep. Every night I cry myself to sleep and every morning I wake up not rested and with red baggy eyes....I do my best to continue but right now it is so hard. Last year was so different and so filled with hope and love and everything was looking bright. We were just getting started with our lives together so I just don't understand why this had to happen. How am I to move on? I ask myself these questions every day and I know there is no answers except the ones I make my self. But where am I to get the strenght to do that?

Different people different lives

I feel tired but my thoughts can find no rest. I should be looking at job adds from NZ but while I'm doing that my thoughts wander.I think about all the things that were and the things that will not be. I have improved my running and some days I feel like that is the only thing I can control. I can't control when I want to be happy and when I'm sad. It just happens - especially the sad part and I wonder Will I ever be really happy again? I am damaged goods like Mike said.

The other day I walked the streets and looked at and listened to all the people. Some people where laughing and kissing on the streets, eating icecream with their families or roller skating. From the open windows I could hear people practising their acting skills and people arguing. A young woman was sitting in her window smoking a cigarette. She had that sad smile on and I wondered what had happened to her. I looked at her and she gave me a smile but her eyes did not smile. I realised that I'm not the only one feeling hurt and alone but at the same time I really wanted to see the beauty in life and her smile gave me that. I just have to try a little bit harder now to see it. I haveto remember that even though we are so different and leed so different lives we still feel and those feelings have the right to be accepted and seen as something beautiful and strong because that is what brings us together. Without it we stand alone. I don't want to stand alone.

What if?

Today is a rainy summer sunday in Denmark. The sweet scent of wet grass and leafs fills the air. The only thing to do is drink hot tea and read books, watch a dvd or let the thoughts wander.
I've been looking at pictures today- mostly of Reuben and me. It is hard for me to let go. When I look at the pictures I think about all the things Reuben wanted to do with his life. And all the things we wanted to do together. And all the "what if's" pops into my mind. What if we'd stayed in New Zealand? What if we hadn't gone to New Zealand? What if I had called him one more time that night? Could I have helped him? What if I had never met Reuben?
I don't know the answers to all my questions but most of them. I don't know what had happened if we'd stayed in New Zealand but I do know that it was good that we went. Reuben saw the people he truly loved and because he loved them I love them and I know that no matter what they will always be part of me. And I do know that because I met Reuben I now know what love is and no one can take that away from me. Unfortunately I also know what hate is. But I try not to let it influence me. I do know that even though I had called him one more time that night he would have said that he was alright just like the last message from him told me. He didn't know what was going to happen so how could I? I don't know what would have happened if we had stayed in NZ but I know that it will not help me to think about because I cannot change it.

GOD, grant me the
Serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change
Courage
to change the
things I can
and the
Wisdom
to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

We know life is hard and we see and hear it all the time. In all this we try to do good and believe in the good in people. But it is not what you are inside that defines you but your actions. But does that mean that it is also lack of action?

The good with the bad

The other day I booked my ticket for New Zealand. Different thoughts are going through my mind why I'm doing this for the 4th time in 3 years. Some days it is very clear to me why while other days I feel more insecure then ever. I'm not quite sure what I wanna achieve with this trip except I wanna give myself room to think about life and my new plans.
Damn it! Some days are just harder then others!
Today was one of those days making me feel so ambivalent about everything because we were at the rugby club and all the girls met for brunch before the game. Introducing and saying hello to the new girls. It was really good to feel like one of them but at the same time it was just different because my man is not playing out there anymore and after the game all the other girls go home with their man and I don't. Some days it is so hard to talk about Reuben because he is not here anymore but at the same time it helps to keep his memory alive. The memory that is still so strong and around us on and off the pitch. To have and then to lose something so beautiful. It is just too hard to try and understand. So I don't and just try and believe in love and the good that happens around us all the time.

We know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and he who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. ^4:17In this love has been made perfect among us, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment, because as he is, even so are we in this world. ^4:18There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has punishment. He who fears is not made perfect in love. ^4:19We love Him, because he first loved us.

The tears we cry

Music has always helped me through the hard times, especially Dave Matthew's songs has helped me through the last couple of months. Some of the songs make me cry while some make me smile that cheeky smile because the songs tell me the secrets that only me and my loved one shared. My tears are not for nothing and I realised that the other day when I was listening to "The space between".
Some days when I have been feeling down I have thought that it would have been better if I could erase all my memories like they do in "Internal sunshine in a spotless mind" because the memories were hurting too much but only because I knew that I would not get to feel like that again. But when I was listening to this song I knew that all the memories were mine alone and they made me the person I am today and maybe some days I don't like that but then I imagined going through life without no great love and I knew that I have been lucky because I know what love feels like. With all its ups and downs. And I guess we sometimes have to be sad to really feel and appreciate when we are happy.

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

As time goes by

So much has happened the last year of my life and so many stories to be told. But what I have really thought about the last four months are the stories not told or the stories that suddenly ended.
The last year has been like a rollercoaster ride with all the ups and downs.
I met the most fantastic man last year and everything went really fast. In the beginning we took it really slow. We were both just out of relationships and just wanted to have some fun. It turned out to be the best and the worst time of my life - so far.
He was amazing and we were perfect together. He made me laugh, he believed in me and the love we had and we had big plans for the future. I went to visit his family in New Zealand which has become like my second home now and I met some really awesome people. We moved in together and we lived together for three months. We made plans for the future, what we wanted to do with our lives, talked about children and where we wanted to live and raise our kids. But in the end the only thing that was important he said was that we were together. And for the first time in my life I understood the people who says that a partner you love makes you complete. We were perfect with all our flaws.
He died two weeks after we came home from New Zealand. January 26th 2008. He was only 31. My world fell apart and everything that we had planned was no more. I had to go back to New Zealand to the funeral less then 4 weeks after we left it together. This time it was without him.

Everyday I miss him and I would never want my worst enemy to experience my pain.
As time goes by I realise that I have to find a beginning to my new story and somehow find The End of Reuben and my story but because he was my greatest love and now he is gone I feel like I'm missing some chapters that would complete the story. Maybe I have to leave that story untold.